My girlfriend might be Shaqille O’Neal in a wig?

From r/WritingPrompts: You’re beginning to grow suspicious your long time girlfriend of ten years is actually just Shaqille O’Neal in a wig.

It started a week ago. We were talking about foreign policy and she said something rather smart, which I don’t recollect any more.

Wow, are you like Obama or something? I joked.

Actually, I might be Obama. All I’m saying is you haven’t seen both of us in the same room ever! She said laughing.

I laughed along. My inner pedant also reminded her of the time we watched Obama give a live press conference together, thereby essentially seeing both of them in the same room at the same time.

But later that night, a bug laid its egg in my head. I remembered that, in fact, I have never seen my girlfriend and Shaquille O’Neal in the same room ever. Not even when he was live on TV. What if? The thought kept me awake all night.

By morning, the egg had hatched and the baby bugs of doubt were crawling across my brain. By then, I had several reasons to believe that my girlfriend is, in fact, Shaquille O’Neal.

My first recollection was from 2005 when for almost a year, she pretended to not know who Kobe Bryant was. It left me baffled and annoyed because I most definitely knew that she knew Kobe. It was an intense time for me because when Shaq said the same thing on television, I had to question my sanity for a moment. This went on for quite a while until I sat her down and read her all about Kobe from Wikipedia and after much insistence made her promise she would make an effort to remember.

But with the new revelation, the whole episode made more sense.

Suddenly, I was suspecting her intention behind carrying a fake van Dyke mustache everywhere with her. It couldn’t be for “reasons of humidity” as she always claimed because thinking about it, that phrase made no sense.

That morning, I got off my bed and watched a bunch of videos of Shaq on YouTube. The first video that got my attention was that of Shaq bragging to Jimmy Fallon about his F-650 truck. I looked out of the window at the F-650 parked outside our house.

Where did you get money for the truck? I had asked.

I am basketball legend and freestyle rap artist Shaq, you idiot! She had replied.

Soon, my amusement with my girlfriend’s rapping abilities came to the forefront of my thoughts. I tried to dismiss her insanely good diss raps as a mere expression of exuberance much like the time she verbally and well-deservedly dissed me and my four friends after defeating us single-handedly in a game of basketball. But it wasn’t easy seeing how a lot of them dealt with dissing Kobe whom she previously had claimed to not know.

I decided to confront her about this.

Are you Shaquille O’Neal? I asked her, standing on a stool I carry around the house to communicate with my girlfriend. She is much taller, if you were wondering.

No, of course not! She replied.

I was temporarily satisfied. But my doubts have re-surfaced again, after yesterday, when I got back from my work early to find Shaq sitting in our living room.

I’m really worried, but also a little excited.